The Trick to Tricky People
5 tips to stay resilient when someone tries to knock you down
Tricky people are part of life. But the more impactful you want your life, the more discerning you have to be about disrespect.
In short, if can avoid a tricky person, do it. Negativity incurs a huge cost on your energy, emotions, and time. How you respond, take care of yourself, and filter your exposure is the difference between peace of mind and a piece of work.
We experience a negativity bias as humans, and any rough interaction will hit us harder and last longer. (It all comes back to the science of relationships, thanks to the Gottman Institute. ) The fastest way to decrease the quality of your life is to deal with difficult people. This is why you can have a brilliant day, but that one rude comment is all you can think about before you go to bed.
However, if you do find yourself up and close with someone who fits the “tricky” or “difficult” description, please remember these five things.
1) people can’t help being themselves
One of the things that can be so hard about disrespectful behavior is that it feels so personal. And it is personal, but potentially not in a way you expect.
The leaders of my yoga practice Katonah Yoga, founder Nevine Michaan and master teacher Abbie Galvin, say “people can’t help being themselves.” What this means is that someone’s actions and behaviors is merely a full window into who that person is and far less to do anything with you.
For example, I talk to everyone. I ask everyone how they’re doing. I make friends with strangers. I could probably make friends with a brick wall because that’s who I am — I’m friendly. The opposite is also true — if someone is critical, they will probably be critical of everyone.
The behavior is personal because it’s a clear window into this person’s character.
Separate yourself, take the lessons, and try to move on.
And if you don’t believe me, please listen to the wisdom of the Maya Angelou.
2) TREAT YOURSELF WELL
Please say tender things to yourself, as you would an upset child — not just because it’s a loving way to treat yourself, but also people who practice self-compassion, thanks to the great work of Dr. Kristin Neff are more likely to:
Have a stable and unconditional sense of self-worth
Show grit, motivation and determination to meet important goals
Feel happy, optimistic and satisfied with their lives
Be strong and resilient when faced with hardship
Draw healthy boundaries and say no
These are just 5 examples of a much longer list of benefits of self-compassion. Coming back to last item above — “draw healthy boundaries and say no.”
The more tender you are with yourself, the less likely you will put up with bad behavior. It’s never ok to treat someone badly, especially someone special like you!
3) confide in someone you trust
Find a friend, a relative, a therapist, or a trusted person, and share what happened. The goal of this is to feel a little less alone and more bonded to the people around you. But before you dive into this suggestion, please make sure it stays in the “venting” and not “gossiping” category.
Let’s quickly distinguish between the two because criticism is always toxic for relationships — stay mindful.
4) Double down on rest & digest
The most important tenet of the EQ of Wealth is the physical because once our nervous system gets into a stress response, we’re bound to escalate a situation and create unnecessary drama. The more you can stay calm when others aren’t, the easier it will be for you to handle difficult situations and people.
A couple of helpful ways to calm nervous system:
Exercise
Take a walk in nature
Make art
Slow breathing
Humor
Crying
Literally shake it off (Not kidding — love this book)
5) take time for silence
I find silence to be the great revealer of what’s true and what actions need to be taken. This can be quite a scary thing, but if you make time to sit in silence — a full non-phone silent sit — I find that what I need to know comes to me.
Sometimes what you need may involve leaving a person, a job, a relationship, setting up some distance between you and someone, or maybe it’s an opportunity for you to finally stand up for yourself. Silence will tell you. Please remember that the only person who truly knows what’s right for you is you.
Even in the difficulty, it’s important to remember the beauty.
I’ll end this blog post by pulling out a line from the above the poem by the great Mary Oliver — “What’s magical, sometimes, has deeper roots than reason.” Hold onto these 5 practices as you make your way towards your most impactful life.
Find your roots and don’t let anyone cut you down.
