Self-Soothing
The #1 skill you need to build a legacy
If you work with your family, the most valuable skill to learn is how to soothe your nervous system.
Know your nervous system
Our closest relationships will activate our nervous system the hardest because every situation becomes higher stakes automatically.
This means that when conflict comes within your closest relationships, you’re more likely to escalate an argument because your nervous system is more likely to go into a stress response — fight, flight, or freeze. And when things escalate, you’re more likely to do or say something regrettable, which can have far more enduring negative outcomes.
Why?
In the haze of heightened emotions, we can’t separate our feelings from our actions. And that means we can’t take the actions that can impact the legacy we want to create.
But there’s a simple, yet intricate practice that, when done mindfully and consistently, can completely change your story from stress to strength. It’s training yourself how to breathe to self-soothe quickly and in turn, when moments of high intensity strike, you’re more likely to lean into compassion versus contention.
Breathwork creates a break in your personal emotions and actions, and transforms a stress reaction into a conscious response. And conscious responses or actions are the building blocks for longevity in relationships.
Breath as body hacking
Sympathetic Response: What do you do when you’re shocked, scared, or startled? You sharply breathe in. You gasp. It’s an inhale.
Parasympathetic Response: What do you do when you feel relaxed, calm, and relieved? You slowly exhale. You sigh. You yawn. It’s an exhale.
With this simple breathwork insight, we model for the body the calm we want to feel through action. Through breath we can get our own self OUT of our stress center (sympathetic) and into our soothing center (parasympathetic). From there we can speak — we can communicate.
1. Calm your nervous system: Sit down. Slowly inhale through your nose for 3 seconds, exhale through your nose for 5 seconds. Repeat it 5 times.
2. Generate connection chemicals: Put your hand over your heart. Through the experience of touch, we release the hormone oxytocin, which makes us feel bonded and loved.
3. Run a mini gratitude self-compassion practice: Think to yourself what you’re thankful for at that moment. It can be small, but gratitude helps shift your nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic, so that you are more open to whatever conversation or situation you’re about to enter.
After you’re done, notice that your heart rate is lower and you can speak from a more grounded place.
Notice that your thoughts are calmer. The tension you feel in your body is relaxing.
Now — communicate.
This nervous system regulation practice is so ancient, and so powerful, the people I coach are often shocked with how quickly and how simply they start seeing their words have power — in spaces where they once felt powerless.
Breathwork is nothing new. But in this context—where the line between boardroom and the family room can be blurry—it’s powerful in a new way.
One NextGen I coach was able to advocate for a 9-figure investment in climate justice in Africa — because of breathwork.
She created this legacy-making opportunity in *exactly* the kind of situation where she would have—just months before—completely shut down (p.s. a classic stress response), surrendered her leadership potential, and the possibility to create a massive and multi-generational change.
She used her breath to tap into a self-soothing state so she could raise $100 million at one multi-family gathering. It all began with the breath, and her commitment to herself and her extraordinary potential.
If we can build this muscle of self-soothing within families and NextGens, there’s no avoiding a ripple effect.
You can’t not have a relationship with anyone — or any audience— that matters to you if you don't know how to calm down. If people can experience deep love and respect within their own families, have this right level of resource — that is when we can bring compassion to people that aren't in these small, but mighty rooms.
Honestly, I think the world would actually be more equal if more of us could calm down and connect. That’s why I’m sharing this practice.
It’s the simplest way to launch a legacy.
Consider your legacy launched.
