Conflict
7 ways to turn conflict into connection
I often say that the people we love the most will rock our nervous system the hardest and the fastest. What does this mean?
Well, 69% of issues in long-term relationships are ongoing, which means they can’t be fixed or solved. For relationships to thrive, it’s about managing — not ending conflict.
You’re more likely to turn a conversation into a confrontation with loved ones because of just that — you love them. This is also why self-sabotage in relationships is so much more likely when you’re emotionally invested. Every single romantic comedy or romantic tragedy bets on it. There is no avoiding conflict. Conflict is inevitable.
The EQ of Wealth lives at this intersection of all the issues where our nervous system is most pressed — family, money, business, and decision-making. Any of these issues can cause an argument. But overlap family, money, business, and decision-making? You have a conflict guarantee.
Even though it’s not comfortable, over the last decade, I’ve come to truly see conflict as an opportunity for growth — and to build even stronger loving relationships
1) Nervous system, nervous system, nervous system.
In real estate, it’s all about location, location, location. In relationships, it’s the nervous system, nervous system, nervous system. If you’re in stress response, your conversation will go badly. If you rest and digest, it go better. If you want a breakthrough, shift your nervous system, and you can read here to learn why.
2) Conflict is the source of connection.
Conflict is the vehicle in which you derive the deepest mutual compassion. Every tough conversation I’ve had with someone when approached intentionally has led to a stronger relationship.
3) It’s not about winning. It’s about understanding.
Win/lose dynamics in relationships are always toxic. If your goal is to win an argument, no matter the outcome, you’ve lost. The only way to win is to approach the discussion with curiosity and genuinely understand the other person’s point of view. First off, you’ll be surprised how much flexibility you’ll find once a person believes they’ve been listened to, but also you’ll be surprised by what new information you learned.
4) Ask for permission.
Before I offer feedback or say something vulnerable, I ask the other person if they’re okay with receiving it. This can be very simple, such as, “Can I give you honest feedback?” Consent is key in all kinds of relationships and situations, especially when approaching something challenging or sensitive. Make sure the other person says yes before moving forward with the conversation.
5) Come prepared.
I write down in advance, my point of view and what I want to understand better, and questions to ask. This way, even if the height of my nerves, I’ll have some grounding preparation to keep me focused and productive.
6) Only speak for yourself.
Your feelings are real and deserve to be honored, but the moment you blame someone else or become critical of someone else, everything you say will be received with defensiveness. This isn’t me saying it, this is decades of research. Try using “I felt insert feeling when” instead of “you made me feel insert feeling” or “You are so insert negative remark.”
7) Pause and come back.
If your conversation is going down the tubes quickly, sometimes the best thing to do is pause and return at a mutually agreed-upon time. Our nervous system takes 20 minutes to calm down, so it should be at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. Breaks and down time are brilliant means of perspective-giving.
I could probably nerd out for hours (if not days) on this topic, but I wanted to make this a bit succinct. To learn more, “Fight Right” by Drs. Julie and John Gottman is my favorite book on the topic, and I also mention it here alongside some other worthy reads.
